I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This house was built for laser tag.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
