great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
