: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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