We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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