I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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