I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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