There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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