I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
