So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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