I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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