Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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