after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
