I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
