im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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