sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
