respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
