he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize