Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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