Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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