So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
