there's paper in my vomit.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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