A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
