Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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