Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize