So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
