Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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