it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
