Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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