My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
