Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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