I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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