Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
