Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
