I wish I could teleport
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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