she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
