Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize