I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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