At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
