my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
