I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You are the jesus of drinking
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
