She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize