Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
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