I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
