she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
