Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
