He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
