Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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