apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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