Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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