So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
