Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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