Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
