I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
