I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
