i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
