you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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