I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
3 2 1 whiskey
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
