I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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