I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
