there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
