i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
